A month ago I had 1 month...2 weeks ago it was still 2 weeks away...4 days ago I had 4 more days to savor my baby a little longer. And now tonight is the night before she goes off to her first day at preschool. It may sound dramatic to some and even like it's not a big deal to others but to me it's huge. It's huge for many reasons in Saffron's and my lives....
The past 2 weeks have been filled with milestones in our house. From potty learning to finding her dangling off the edge of her crib at 4am a few days ago and then today packing up for her first day at preschool. Our baby is no longer a baby and she is screaming it out for us to hear. Her beautiful independence is developing so quickly it feels like lightning bolts in my heart. It is all we could ask for, a brave, sweet, independent girl...so why is it so hard on my heart?
I feel like my heart is holding a thousand pounds of emotion. I am so proud of my little one ready to become an official kid, ready to climb that ladder to the slide with out me cheering for her at the bottom, ready to eat snacks at a table of new friends (most she has never seen before even after our many trips dropping her big sister off) and ready to grow her little wings.
But the heaviness comes from knowing that each moment that passes, she is that much bigger, she's a little bit older, so tonight in my silly helicopter mom heartache I am reminded... to sniff her sweet scent deeper when I put her night night and hug her tighter than ever before when she wakes up in the morning. It reminds me that the crazy love Tony and I give her will only make her roots stronger and wings bigger. My sweet and spicy bunny is my baby but no longer a baby at all. Will she be scared? Will she wonder why I am not right around the corner of the swing set ready to jump out and surprise her? Will she eat her snacks? Will she understand that I will be right back to pick her up? Even though I went through this with Coco the fears and guilt are still the same if not more because she is my last baby and I am holding to that really tightly. I want to enjoy every moment of their sweet lives...even the hard ones.
I know she will have the best time making messes, playing endlessly and learning more than I could ever imagine but it is me that needs the reminder that "mommy will be right back" I will have a few extra moments in my day for just me. What do I do with that? What do I do every other day with out my side kick? Do I go to Target by myself or wait for Thursday when she is not in school? Should I still exercise around the reservoir with out her or wait? Yes, these are things I think about. I find myself planning my trips to Trader Joes when both girls are home just so I can have more moments with them. As maddening as it can be grocery shopping with 2 little ones it is a joy too. Because one day they wont want to go with me just as I didn't with my mom.
I can not stop time, I can not make them stay little but I try. I wish I had last week back when I got upset and raised my voice so much she cried so I could undo it, I wish I slept with her longer tonight instead of just long enough for her to fall asleep. But I can fall asleep knowing these girls know we love them beyond imagine, around the moon and back again through the sun and past the stars.
As silly as it is to put this much weight on a small thing like preschool, for me, it is just another reminder about how fast time goes. I remember Coco's first day. The feelings I had were exactly the same as I have tonight...and I look at Coco's sweet face now and the baby is gone and in its place is a spectacular girl filled with vibrancy and sweetness. I am so happy to see who she is now and a glimpse of who she will become and I know it will be the same with Saffron but tonight I can not seem to wrap my head around it. So I will remind myself to snuggle her tight in the morning, be the brave mom she mirrors and know the journey only gets more beautiful. I will remember roots and wings and she's got strong ones. I find smiles in my heart thinking about how lucky I am to have Saffron and Coco in the same school for a few months. My chest bursts open watching Coco prep her baby sister for such a momentous day. "I got you Saffs, it's you and me. My teachers will let me be with you and show you around and then mommy will pick us up" Tears stream down my face typing that. What a lucky family we are. Roots and Wings...we got this