It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to... (super long...super personal post warning)
Today is the day. The day that has made me go into a weird, almost pouty and depressed state since I was 28...it is my birthday. A day when I should be running around in my undies with a crown of flowers on my head screaming "its my birthday everyone! buy me cake!" but instead I shut down, pretend it is not happening and wish it away. If you know me, I am generally a really happy sunshiney person by nature. I can usually find the good in things, know that everything is going to be ok and that because I put good in the universe I will get good back (not physically).
So why do birthdays get me so kookoo....Why? I ask myself this every year and every year it's the same answer... "Because this is not where you were supposed to be at ** years old. You had so much going for you and you didn't do any of it." But this year something changed...this year another voice yelled at me through the fog of that cranky little guy on throwing daggers at my heart while sitting on my shoulder. This was the voice of reality. This was the voice of my dad. Even though he passed away 10 years ago he is still very much with me every day. He was tough on me if I didn't do my best or push myself but he was also my biggest fan. This year he was tough on me for a different reason. Not because I didn't try my best (and sadly I haven't lately...sorry dad) but because I can't see myself for what I really am. So today, while I was protesting getting older, squeezing the fat around my stomach and thighs, feverishly figuring out how everyone seems to be aging backwards except for me (they are not...it's called injections and lasers... that actually makes me feel better about my "rainbows of memories" creeping in around my eyes) I heard his voice, took a breath and decided to listen. Here is what I found out when I stopped beating myself up...
I am a mother...and a damn great one. I love my kids passionately to eternity. I am a proud helicopter mom who hates to travel with out them, cooks for them daily, plays, colors and sleeps with them. I am an amazing wife....I love my husband more than life and I show him daily with kisses, support and companionship to no end. I am a great friend and confidant. My friends ARE my family and my family are my friends. I think about and work on TWH daily, going through a house renovation, try to make sure every one of my friends knows they are loved, work on side projects with my husband and all the while try to still be true to myself. So why do I still beat myself up for not opening the store I have been DYING to open for years, why do I still miss acting and want to curl up in the fetal position when I think about the years I could have kept dancing? Why? Because I am a woman...and I constantly think I could be more. But why am I not enough for myself?
I am... I am more than enough. I may not be where I "planned" to be so many years ago but I am in a much more important, less vain place. Yes, I for sure am still vain about certain things but I am not living my life in selfish vanity (which is SO praised these days it makes my heart sink). I may not be "successful" in terms of money or recognition amongst my peers but I am wildly successful in life. I have made choices that got me here. I CHOSE not to let the bad boys break my heart anymore, I CHOSE to date a nice guy instead of sabotage it. I chose to bring my spectacularly silly and sweet children into this world and raise them to be part of a better future. I chose to quit acting when I became pregnant with Coco so she couldn't ever see me desperate or insecure about my looks. I chose not to put Saffron into preschool early or have our babysitter come more often so I could open my dream store, but instead I chose to be with her and watch her grow so I wouldn't miss a moment. I chose my life and I am proud of where I am. This birthday I am vowing to not let social media or pressures make me feel less than. I will embrace my mom boobs (as much as I can even if i have to buy that weird tape stuff in the Target lingerie section that holds them up). I will fix what I can on myself and embrace or ignore what I can't. I will show my girls what a strong, hard working and positive woman is and love me for who I chose to be.
I may not be where I thought I would be in my 30s but I am somewhere much more amazing. Much deeper and bigger than that young girl could have imagined. I am really lucky for today I will not look in the mirror and cry but I will make "strong arms" and blow my self a kiss for the amazing journey I am on and the insane life I have already lived. I will be the best ME I can be.
Happy birthday everyone. May you always remember how far you have come. And that EVERYTHING you see in social media and those silly gossip shows that makes you feel less than are usually fake or really distorted. You are amazing, you are enough, you are beautiful.
PS Sorry for the self indulgent post!